*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
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jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”