[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.