Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.