First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos