I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.