“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks