my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
The 6 types of sex
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off