I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Hmm, not sure about this change
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it