When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Was it something I said?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
ugh not again