dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Stop it! 😂
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no