this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The A string on my guit_r is flat