*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off