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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.