HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
dam girl
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
A ghost story
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Noah
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card