Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.