Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album