There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
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How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
It be like that sometimes 😆