a fate I wish upon no one
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Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Aight bet
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.