[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Mhm.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.