CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
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NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.