[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
same bro
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*cough*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*