We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
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It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe