And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Every time.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch