What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
You Might Also Like
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson