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I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.