Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.