The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…