Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
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So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My Plans 2020
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.