*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.