I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this