My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
classic mixup
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Pretty much! 😂👀
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”