Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude