Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
This makes total sense…
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.