*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.