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fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.