“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Yup
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Love is in the air fryer.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.