Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.