Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Sing it!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what