[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE