you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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It’s an epidemic…
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!