Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I’d hang this in my house.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
He-man has a Masters degree
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”