[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
You Might Also Like
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.