You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport