”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
uh oh
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.