Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
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the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral