[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope