surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”