Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
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I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?