I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄