kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss